After a prolonged hiatus, the IC has risen from its temporary grave on the third posting day, which is not unlike [FILL IN BLANK].
The reason behind my absence is pretty straightforward; I made history by being the first human to ever make contact with an extraterrestrial being (considering that junkies and hippies hogging airtime on National Geographic are not biologically recognized as human beings).
Teztcl (name of said alien) and I became best buds over the course of our time together – until yesterday when I totally Judas-ed him by selling him to Donald Trump, who had been in dire need of lizard skin ever since its synthetic exodermic film started rejecting human grafts.
Teztcl is the kinda homie you would have deep three-a.m. conversations on a Tuesday with, and we’ve spent a great deal of our time together discussing the intricacy of the noble human race – all of which has been recorded for future exploits, of course.
The following is a transcript of a dialogue that followed shortly after our initial encounter.
Me: Okay testicle—
Teztcl: Teztcl. My name is Teztcl.
Me: Yes. Testicle. I know you’re new to Earth and all, so I’ve taken it upon myself to teach you about our ways. My wisdom is infinite, so feel free to ask me any question you’d like. Anything at all. Go on.
Teztcl: Why did you request anal probing?
Me: *coughs* Ahem. Next question, testicle.
Teztcl: You have Easter marked on your calendar. What is this Easter?
Me: Excellent question, testicle. Easter is the day we celebrate the resurrection of Jesus our Lord and Savior by going to church for the first time since Christmas. Afterwards we get wasted in front of the TV while the kids are outside searching for chocolate eggs they believe a bunny has stowed all over the garden for them to find. Spoiler alert: there are no eggs. It’s just something that keeps the kids busy on a holiday that inconveniently overlaps with March Madness.
Teztcl: That makes no sense to Teztcl. My computer cannot find any standing relationship between the return of Jesus and biologically incorrect bunny that lays eggs. You pretend to be celebrating one thing but your actions suggest that you are actually celebrating something else. This is what you humans call, a sham, no?
Me: *shakes head condescendingly* No, testicle. We call it Easter.